A Reflection on 30: The Ugly, The Beauty And The Strange Trails Between
I can’t believe its here, 30. As I sit here thinking about my last 10 years of life I remember the very day I was 19. The thought of man, I’m turning 20, how crazy is that! Furthermore, there’s a memory I have of taking a picture to mark that very day hoping I would remember and… I did. There I stood in my dorm at Texas State University, happy about what this new chapter would bring. Now, I sit here at 29 reflecting on all the things I did and the moments that passed in my 20’s. Generally speaking, every birthday is important and if you know me birthdays are my jam, I live for them. This one though, 30, it seems weird, different, strange and joyous all at the same time for me. I have some feelings about 30, there’s a lot I love and yet it’s uncharted territory. Having time for reflection yet happily present brings feelings of the ugly, the beauty and the strange trails that fall between the cracks of it all. I think no matter what age you are we have all gone through things that are relatable, so, here are mine.
It’s quite weird to think I started this piece at 29 and ended it at 30. To some people birthdays are insignificant but it’s not that way for me. I feel things quite deeply and in the beginning, the thought of 30 was really off-putting for some reason. I was in my 20’s for so long and now what? What am I supposed to do with a 3 in front of my age now? Yes, I embrace 30 (I embrace things in general) and I am so happy and lucky to have lived all these years but to be honest, it’s scary. I have the right to say it, 30 is a different feeling. At this moment all the thoughts of, am I too old for this, how will I feel physically, I needed to have accomplished this by now… all the above (negative) thoughts and more start to creep in. It’s the truth. Ultimately, as positive as I am it’s natural to struggle with negative thoughts. This is a different struggle, the struggle with reality and age may seem minute but it’s still significant in some form.
Wearing secondhand and local at Bouldin Creek Cafe in Austin, TX.
My 20’s have passed and since I loved them so very much I was still holding on. I was holding on to a number that I thought would change it all. Now I am 30. It doesn’t mean my entire life changes because of a number. It doesn’t mean I should act this way, dress that way or fit in any “box” a 30-year-old should fit in, no. Uniquely, as I allow myself to feel these feelings and have this reflection, I am also allowing myself to let them go. I can’t turn back time, I can’t turn 20 again nor do I want to.
As strange as it is to be 30 (and I am sure you have felt it too) its life and it’s natural. What I’m doing is continuing to love who I am, where I am in life and yes, the beauty and strangeness that comes with it. I’m 30, heck yes! I struggle, succeed and I am going to make the best of this day and these moments. No, I’m not perfect, no one is. With every minute I will get older and you will too, it’s reality. Every day though I am realizing that age is in fact just a number. It’s never too late to do something or try something and you can succeed at it. I don’t care if you are 20 or 70 you can change your mind, you can make things better and you can follow your magic. Please…follow your magic, it’s all we have.
So yes, today will be different but today is also hauntingly beautiful. It’s all the emotions and ghosts from the past meeting my present thoughts. I have been through heartache, people have let me down, I’ve felt the loss in various forms and I have struggled. Some you have seen others have been private. On the other hand, I have also felt the love from family, friends, and in animals and strangers. I’ve received degrees, lived and traveled abroad and I have stepped into the light of finding out who I am and what I am meant to do in life. Life is ugly and sometimes we can’t change that, but life is also ironically very marvelous.
Surrounded by the people I love and receiving warming messaged from around the world, today I feel love. So to all the people out there struggling with negativity for any given reason, you are not alone. This is your show, this is your life let’s live for the magic that’s within us. That magic doesn’t have an age and it’s waiting for you always. I believe every single person has their own gifts to share with the world so believe in the light you give. Age, the actual number is quite trivial against your energy and your actions. Allow yourself to live your true path, choose that always.